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By: Dan Reidmiller

NEWARK, N.J.– The majority of Americans who have received letters notifying them that their healthcare plans are now legally considered too shitty for insurance companies to sell to citizens of a first-world nation are somehow feeling “anger” instead of the seemingly-more-appropriate emotion known as “embarrassment,” sources report.

While eyewitness accounts claim that those individuals who received the letters in the mail appear to have furrowed brows, pursed lips and a noticeable redness in their cheeks, experts believe that this contorted flushing is inexplicably due to “an aggressive sort of unhappiness” rather than stemming from a more suitable “contemptuous self-loathing for their own previous poor life-decisions which resulted in paying for healthcare policies that are now considered so utterly inadequate that it is actually a crime to pay money for them.”

The group of citizens  – representing a very-significant 0.6 percent of the population or, in more precise terms, fewer than the number of people who follow Bob Saget on Twitter – is said to be particularly incensed at the fringe group of 311.9 million other Americans who will also receive better healthcare but who won’t necessarily have to click any buttons or make a phone call.

According to one source who is close to the affected citizenry because he is friends with literally all of them on Facebook, “My newsfeed has been blowing up. My friends really don’t think it’s right that they have to put forth any effort whatsoever, even if purchasing one of these comprehensive plans — by which they’re able to prevent, treat, monitor or cure any of the unquestionably-countless potential ailments of the human body and mind known to mankind — does require less physical movement and decision-making ability than going to a grocery store and deciding which cluster of bananas to throw into the cart.”

At press time, it was reported that Bob Saget’s Twitter followers have surpassed the group of Americans with temporarily revoked healthcare, if only in number and not volume.

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