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By: Dan Reidmiller

WASHINGTON — The Department of Homeland Security released a statement yesterday afternoon warning U.S. citizens of recent efforts by a group of homegrown radicals whom officials say are “out-for-blood.” Reports indicate the organization is calling itself Red Cross.

According to sources, the group’s signature act of torture involves draining the blood from humanitarians unfortunate enough to find themselves on a Red Cross “tablé” (pronounced taw-blay or tay-bul), which is a device not unlike the infamous “rack” used in the Spanish Inquisition.

In a video released through the Red Cross website, members of the organization can be seen wielding sharp needles — their faces partially obscured by white sterile masks, revealing only the resolve in their soulless eyes — as a voiceover declares that “…soon, the streets will run red with the Type O-Negative blood of the infidel!”

It should be noted, however, that conflicting reports contend a more literal translation is actually closer to “Please, if you don’t give us your blood, people will die.”

At press time, The Department of Homeland Security had issued a series of internal memos directing all references to the radical group change from “Red Cross” to the “Intravenous Syringe of Irritated Leukocytes,” and then to “The American Red Cross,” after which it was the “Liberation of People’s Blood From Their Veins” Movement, followed by “The Un-sovereign State Of Indignant Pain From Being Stuck With Needles,” only to revert ultimately back to the original name, “Red Cross.”

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