SPRINGFIELD, ILL. — Saying she loves her children very much but is, “just kind of ready for a break,” local mother-of-two Janice Tyreko admitted Monday that she is counting the days until back-to-school-shootings season begins.
“Don’t get me wrong: We have so much fun together,” said a visibly weary Tyreko who, since this past June, has had a perpetual twitch in her left eyelid.
“It’s so great to have them home because, you know, they’re my kids. I just think it’s better for their development when they’re interacting with the other children at school, like their friends, their classmates, and the shy, detached kid who’s inevitably going to bring in an easily-acquired gun and get off an astounding number of rounds before likely killing himself.”
As Tyreko’s 14-year-old son Trevor interrupted the interview by shouting from his bedroom for his mother to “Bring [him] the fucking pizza rolls already,” Mrs. Tyreko leaned in and spoke candidly.
“Alright, look: If I’m being honest, I’m about ready for them to be someone else’s problem. You know? Like the teachers, the administration, the ER gunshot-trauma specialists.”
At press time, it was reported in a related story that retail giant Target’s profits are surging after selling out of their latest line of trendy, screen-print bulletproof vests.