PITTSBURGH — Ruling that the threat to public safety is “theoretically a very real problem under the principles of String theory,” a two-judge panel has shut down ride-sharing at Kennywood park in West Mifflin.
The ruling makes it illegal for more than one person to ride on any of the park’s attractions at one time.
Though no major or minor injuries or incidents have occurred in recent history, the PUC said in a statement that “Our job isn’t to consider public opinion, fun, or common sense. Our job is to look out for public safety in every imaginable universe, even the alternate universes wherein this issue presents an actual danger.”
The ruling also makes it illegal for children to ride to the park together on school buses, a move the PUC claims “is only going to help cut down on the number of children at the park — children who have no real business being there, we might add — and, ultimately, decrease the number of precious young children who might otherwise have been struck by lightning on or near the Thunderbolt.”
Despite data which definitively proves that allowing multiple riders to go on roller coasters at one time prevents lines from clogging up the park and therefore lowers the number of park-goers likely to drink heavily, tire of waiting and then drive home drunk, the PUC says that the risk of drunk driving is outweighed by the risk of too many people having fun at one time.
According to the statement, “It’s like the Butterfly Effect. Let’s say a lot of people are screaming and laughing all at once, and then suddenly there’s this butterfly in Asia somewhere that gets its eardrums blown out. The PUC refuses to have that butterfly’s smashed-up wing guts on our hands.”
“Furthermore,” the statement continues in an unprovoked and somewhat strange shift of tone, “The local cab industry has nothing to gain from large groups of people arriving at the park together and then wanting to leave at different times throughout the day. Cab industry? Who said anything about the cab industry? We resent any insinuation that we were paid by the cab industry. That’s just absurd.”
At press time, the Jack Rabbit was reported to have killed one rider after flying off the track due to a lack of weight to hold the cars down at the double dip, while nearby, several sources confirmed that another lone-rider could be heard clearly sobbing amid an existential meltdown as he rode the Racer by himself.
Bro, I’m two in and I’m dying with laughter. And thanks for acknowledging my tremendous penis. I’ve lacked that validation for decades.