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Archive for: June 2013

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5th Grader Tells Friend Personal Secret, Now Wanted by NSA for Revealing Government Secrets

WASHINGTON — Federal authorities yesterday filed espionage charges against Area Fifth-grader Eddie Rainden for allegedly disclosing to an unnamed classmate Continue reading →

8 Out of 9 US Bridges “Not Deficient” So Quit Being a Pussy and Cross That River Already

WEST NEWTON, PA — A recent report has found that eight out of every nine US bridges are “more or Continue reading →

Apple’s iOS 7 to Feature Impressive, Radically Redesigned Glitches

CUPERTINO, CALIF — Apple recently unveiled the new iOS 7 operating system, which CEO Tim Cook is hailing as “the Continue reading →

Woman Thinking Ahead 49 Years Names Newborn Son “Murray”

LANSING, MICH — Area Woman Marcy Keller proudly announced this morning the birth of her healthy, 9 lb., 3 oz. Continue reading →

Supreme Court OKs Police to Collect Suspects’ DNA, Suspects Excited for Free Handjobs

WASHINGTON — In a landmark decision, the Supreme Court voted 5-4 yesterday to allow police to collect the DNA of Continue reading →

Police Still Have No Leads for Bone Thugs ‘N Harmony in Missing Person Case of Uncle Charles, Y’all

CLEVELAND — Local police contacted Grammy Award-winning Rap Group Bone Thugs ‘N Harmony yesterday, regrettably to inform the musicians that Continue reading →

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