WASHINGTON — Federal authorities yesterday filed espionage charges against Area Fifth-grader Eddie Rainden for allegedly disclosing to an unnamed classmate that he still, on occasion, pees the bed, a secret over which the NSA is claiming ownership since, according to the government agency, they recorded the 10-year-old telling his grandmother about the bladder-control issue over a phone call three days prior to the in-class disclosure.
According to NSA Deputy Director John C. Inglis, “It’s a sticky situation in more ways than one. The bottom line, though, is that the moment Rainden verbalized via telephone conversation his difficulty with holding his liquids at night, that secret legally became the property of the NSA.”
“So, to be frank,” continued Inglis, “I don’t care if the classmate was his ‘BFFAEAE’ – which my analysts tell me is some sort of Soviet code for ‘comrade’ – Rainden’s bedwetting problem was a government secret, to be whispered in class only as Uncle Sam sees fit.”
Inglis added, “We will find this traitor and prosecute him to the fullest extent of the [George W. Bush USA PATRIOT Act] law so that next time, maybe he’ll think twice before revealing the government’s embarrassing secrets [about himself].”
Rainden’s current whereabouts are yet unknown, but authorities believe that after the boy fled J. Edgar Hoover Elementary School, he may have gone to one of the several nearby elementary schools with exceedingly lax expulsion policies.
“Wherever that kid is,” concluded Inglis, “I hope his Geography teacher is telling him all about Cuba, because he’s going to be wetting a bunk in Guantanamo soon.”
At press time, it was reported that Rainden was also wanted by the NSA on a separate charge in connection with divulging classified secrets regarding his English teacher – technically a government employee – and her diagnosis of a rare disease known as “Adult-onset Cooties.”