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Led by General Rufus Putnam in 1788, the first settlers to establish American Government in the Northwest Territory stopped to admire the West Newton Bridge, noting that it appeared to be "a remarkably unstable piece of shit."

Led by General Rufus Putnam in 1788, the first settlers to establish American Government in the Northwest Territory stopped to admire the West Newton Bridge, noting that it appeared to be a “remarkably unstable piece of shit” and vowing that they would put the bridge’s renovation on their to-do list for their eventual journey back to New England. Apparently, they were eaten by bears upon reaching West Side.

By: Dan Reidmiller

WEST NEWTON, PA — A recent report has found that eight out of every nine US bridges are “more or less not structurally deficient” and, therefore, “probably won’t crumble and send you plummeting to your death as you attempt to drive across them.”

According to a source with Transportation for America, the coalition of transportation interests that commissioned the report, the remaining one out of nine bridges – representing over 66,000 structures across the country, each of which could potentially collapse at any given moment – are probably not the ones you drive over on your daily commute to and from work.”

As a result, the coalition is urging concerned citizens to “quit being a bunch of pussies and just cross that river already.”

“More than likely,” said the source, “of all the bridges that are about to fall apart and cause a catastrophic loss of human life, I bet none of them are the ones that you drive across while taking your beloved young children to their school functions in or around your hometown.”

Added the source, “If I had to guess, I’d say you’re probably good. There’s really barely anything to worry about. I mean, what are the odds?”

At press time, the National Transportation Safety Board recommended that perhaps some states should, in fact, accept some of the previously-denied-out-of-principle stimulus money allocated by President Obama to the states to help repair some of the bridges, to which many of the red states replied that they would rather every one of their constituents die in a horrific, fully-preventable roadway accident than to take the money and use it to build socialist bridges.

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