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Above: One of the many new features of iOS 7.

By: Dan Reidmiller

CUPERTINO, CALIF — Apple recently unveiled the new iOS 7 operating system, which CEO Tim Cook is hailing as “the most radical redesign of iOS glitches since the iPhone was invented.”

According to Apple’s VP of Software Engineering, Leonard Umbrage, “Installing iOS 7 on your phone is like getting an entirely new phone, but one with which you’re already completely exasperated. It’s like an old friend with a new drug problem: truly astounding!”

Added Umbrage, “Remember how on iOS 6, there were work-arounds – frustrating though they may have been – for most of the bugs you’d encounter on a daily basis? Well, we’ve removed those annoying solutions to allow users to access their aggravation right from the home screen.”

However, it’s not all about the design and look of iOS 7’s new bugs. There are also shortcuts for easier access to the apps that no one ever uses, a “boost” that gives Siri a more acute form of dementia, and, of course, security updates that allow the NSA to activate and operate the phone’s camera and record crucial footage of you taking a shit while playing “Candy Crush,” allowing you to help thwart terrorism right from the comfort of your very own toilet.

At press time, it was reported that the new iOS 7 upgrade already was made available to developers, and would be available to consumers sometime during the fall of the first and fourth amendments.

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