Homeland Security Warns Of “Out-For-Blood” Radical Group Calling Itself “Red Cross”

WASHINGTON — The Department of Homeland Security released a statement yesterday afternoon warning U.S. citizens of recent efforts by a group Continue reading →

Vermont, Colorado, California All Frontrunners To Win 2014 State Of The Union

WASHINGTON — According to a source within the State of the Union Award Academy, Vermont, Colorado and California are the Continue reading →

Obama Invites Metal Shards From Boston Bomb As Honored Guest at State Of The Union

WASHINGTON — It was announced earlier this morning that the remains of the explosive device used in the heinous and Continue reading →

Americans With “Too-Shitty-To-Buy” Healthcare Plans Somehow Outraged Rather Than Embarrassed

NEWARK, N.J.– The majority of Americans who have received letters notifying them that their healthcare plans are now legally considered Continue reading →

Washington Redskins Change Name to Less-Offensive “Virginia-Adjacent Redskins”

WASHINGTON — In response to a recent outcry surrounding the Washington Redskins’ controversial name, which critics argue is highly inappropriate Continue reading →

Britney Spears Delivers Message to John Boehner: Work Bitch

WASHINGTON — In an odd turn of events yesterday, Pop Icon Britney Spears weighed in on the current Capitol Hill Continue reading →

8 Out of 9 US Bridges “Not Deficient” So Quit Being a Pussy and Cross That River Already

WEST NEWTON, PA — A recent report has found that eight out of every nine US bridges are “more or Continue reading →

Supreme Court OKs Police to Collect Suspects’ DNA, Suspects Excited for Free Handjobs

WASHINGTON — In a landmark decision, the Supreme Court voted 5-4 yesterday to allow police to collect the DNA of Continue reading →