Above: Dude was actually a huge football fan.

Above: The re-publishing rights to the Redskins’ official NFL logo are extremely expensive, whereas this photograph of an actual Native American only cost this man’s soul.

WASHINGTON — In response to a recent outcry surrounding the Washington Redskins’ controversial name, which critics argue is highly inappropriate in this day and age, Owner Daniel Snyder has announced that he will change the name to the less-offensive “Virginia-Adjacent Redskins.”

According to Snyder, “I was reluctant to change it at first for the simple fact that it would marginally dig into my billion-plus dollar net worth. But, after seeing how much mental anguish it causes so many people even just to hear the ‘W-word,’ it just seemed like the right thing to do.”

Added Snyder, “The name once represented the proud heritage of an entire people; a distinguished culture responsible for building the foundation of our great nation. But at this point, I think we can all agree that the term ‘Washington’ is a pretty messed up thing to say to someone.”

“I’m just glad I didn’t have to move the team to fix this problem,” concluded Snyder. “Believe it or not, before we came up with this solution, we were looking into becoming either the “Oregon Trail of Tears’ or the ‘South Dakota Smallpox Blankets.’ I’m glad it didn’t come to that, but it just goes to show how committed we are to ensuring that we don’t offend people [who buy tickets].”

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