Overwhelmed Mom Glad Kids Home, But Kind Of Ready For Back-To-School-Shootings Season

SPRINGFIELD, ILL. — Saying she loves her children very much but is, “just kind of ready for a break,” local mother-of-two Continue reading →

90 Year Old On Deathbed Comforted By Family Repeatedly Pointing Out How Old He Is

FT. LAUDERDALE, FLA — 90-year-old Elmer Durzylwood was reportedly at peace in his final hours late last night after his Continue reading →

Elle Magazine’s February Cover to Feature X-Ray of Mindy Kaling’s Skeleton

NEW YORK — Elle Magazine recently unveiled its February cover, which features an X-ray photograph of Mindy Kaling’s skeleton. According Continue reading →

Grandpa Oblivious to Fact That Unformed Bill of Baseball Cap Definitely Upping His Steez

FINDLAY, OHIO — Local 91 Year Old Alfred Wintacki remains oblivious to the fact that the unformed, flat bill of Continue reading →

Abusive Boyfriend Proposes With “Conflict-Free” Diamond to Show He Has Sense of Humor, Too

MADISON, W. VA. — Local 24 Year Old Jeffrey Kiln recently proposed to Ashley Brenevaldi with a certified “conflict-free” diamond Continue reading →

Americans With “Too-Shitty-To-Buy” Healthcare Plans Somehow Outraged Rather Than Embarrassed

NEWARK, N.J.– The majority of Americans who have received letters notifying them that their healthcare plans are now legally considered Continue reading →

Washington Redskins Change Name to Less-Offensive “Virginia-Adjacent Redskins”

WASHINGTON — In response to a recent outcry surrounding the Washington Redskins’ controversial name, which critics argue is highly inappropriate Continue reading →

Treatment for Explosive Diarrhea Found, Scientists Calling It “Olive Garden’s To-Go Menu”

ATLANTA — Researchers at the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) believe they may have discovered a potentially [social]life-saving Continue reading →