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By: Dan Reidmiller

FT. LAUDERDALE, FLA — 90-year-old Elmer Durzylwood was reportedly at peace in his final hours late last night after his family had spent the entire day repeatedly telling him that he is very old, sources report.

The entire family, who at one point gathered in a circle around the patriarch’s hospital bed and took turns shrugging and repeating the sentence, “Well, you’re at that age,” agrees that, in the end, Durzylwood seemed to accept his fate.

According to Durzylwood’s 32-year-old granddaughter Rebecca Jonovry, “Pee-pop lived a great life. He served in the second World War, got married, and raised some kids. So, yesterday, we just kept trying to drive home the point that it wasn’t that big of a deal for him to die now.”

Added Jonovry, “After we explained the facts of the matter to him — how leaving everything and everyone you’ve ever loved and ceasing to exist is just a part of life — that really seemed to assuage his fear of the eternal slumber under the King of Terrors’ blanket, you know?”

At press time, reports indicate that in Durzylwood’s final moments, he was especially relieved to know that his family wouldn’t be taking his passing too hard.

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