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By: Dan Reidmiller

MADISON, W. VA. — Local 24 Year Old Jeffrey Kiln recently proposed to Ashley Brenevaldi with a certified “conflict-free” diamond ring in an effort to show that, in addition to his constant physically, mentally and emotionally abusive behavior toward his longtime girlfriend, he also generally has a pretty good sense of humor about things, sources report.

“Yeah, I’ve been known to cut up from time to time” said Kiln, adding, “but when I’m not cutting her or threatening to cut her, I can crack a pretty funny joke here or there, too.”

Sources close to the couple also confirmed that for his own wedding ring, Kiln was planning to go with a stylish, tungsten-infused set of brass knuckles inscribed with Brenevaldi’s birthdate, a hyphen, and the letters “TBD.”

At press time, reports indicate that upon being presented with the diamond — confirmation of her long-held belief that deep down, her boyfriend not only loves her, but also is a pretty hilarious guy — Brenevaldi laughed and said “Yes.”

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