ATLANTA — Researchers at the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) believe they may have discovered a potentially [social]life-saving treatment for those afflicted with bouts of explosive diarrhea in an experimental operation they are calling “Olive Garden’s To-Go Menu,” in which the cause of the symptoms – faux Italian food – is counteracted by the patient’s proximity to his own, private toilet, sources report.

The countermeasure – the official medical term for which is “OGTGM-12.99” – has undergone extensive trial studies and shows significant promise, claim the sources.

According to Lead Scientific Researcher Dr. Heinrich Von Darden, “While this is not technically a cure, per se, it is a step in the right direction. For the first time, sufferers of the gastrointestinal disease known as “Olive Gardens” will have an alternative to replace jumping up from the table after paying the check and driving at high rates of speed while frantically weaving through traffic in hopes that they’ll reach their own toilet before catastrophe strikes.”

The regimen of pre-op drugs, used to induce the violent rectal discharge at the exact right moment in the procedure, currently consists of eight fl. oz. of soup – generally from the class known as Vowel Endius – approximately six lbs. of a select entree – from the same class – and, of course, nine breadsticks cured in roughly three gallons of garlic salt.

All of these elements comprise a cocktail that Darden believes, sadly, may be insufficient for generating the necessary commercial success for the procedure.

Says Darden, “Perhaps the primary downside to this treatment is that, unfortunately, it limits the patient’s access to the otherwise unlimited soup and breadsticks – especially those delicious breadsticks. If we could just figure out a way to allow patients to ingest a more socially-acceptable level of breadsticks – say, 20-30 per patient per sitting – I think we could offer the treatment to the mass public. But, until then – and I hate to say it, but – I just don’t see OGTGM-12.99 as a viable remedy that the country will accept yet.”

At press time, it was reported that there is still no cure for the cross-mutated off-chute of “Olive Gardens” and pubic lice known as “Red Lobsters.”

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