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Above: A photo of a different, far-more-interesting volcano that actually has the lava and the explosions and what not.

Above: A photo of a different, far-more-interesting volcano that actually has the lava and the explosions and what not, and which was probably discovered back when it mattered.

By: Dan Reidmiller

TOKYO — Geologists working with the Institute of Really Obvious Shit (IROS) sheepishly admitted yesterday that they have just now found the world’s largest volcano.

According to Lead Researcher Dr. Cataract, “It’s a big ol’ fucker, too. Not sure how we missed it. But, well, there it is.”

The volcano, which covers 119,000 square miles and is being called “Tamu Massif,” (presumably Japanese for “Existential Mound”) was discovered at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean.

Said Cataract, “In our defense, it is at the bottom of the Pacific… and, on a tip, we had been searching in the middle and top of the Pacific for years. It’s always the last place you think to look.”

Cataract concluded his statement to the press, saying, “Now all we have to do is figure out what to do with this discovery. The options are limitless. I mean, do we gather footage of the inactive volcano just sitting there and make a cool, two-minute montage video set to the song ‘Sail’ by AWOLNATION and hope it goes viral? Or do we just update the Wikipedia entry for ‘World’s Largest Volcano’ and call it a day?”

At press time, it was reported that IROS researchers were in talks with James Cameron about possibly making an entirely unnecessary second trip to visit the volcano.

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