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By: Dan Reidmiller

CAMDEN, N.J. — Area Facebook User Griff Paley reported earlier this morning that he is very much relieved to see that, of the seven Facebook friends who are celebrating birthdays today, there isn’t a single one among them about whom he gives a shit.

Paley, who woke up early to browse the social media site before his morning shower, glanced at the list of birthdays before concluding that none of the names in front of him merited spending the approximately-four-seconds it takes to wish them well.

According to Paley, “I woke up early today and logged on; checked the birthday corner of the home-screen and what do I see? Not one goddamn person of any value to me.”

Added Paley, “That’s when I knew it was going to be a great day.”

“Normally,” concluded Paley, “I have to think, like, ‘Did this asshole wish me happy birthday last year?’ and try to remember all the way back. But today, I can honestly say that of the seven people on that list, five are complete strangers and the other two, well, I actually hate the other two. I’d probably describe them more as ‘mortal enemies’ that I’m only friends with in order to discover new and exciting reasons each day to continue actively hating them.”

At press time, it was reported that a visibly seething Paley had just learned that tomorrow is his girlfriend’s birthday.

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