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Above: Pirates Mascot “Polly the Parrot” on the Seventh Street Bridge, scouting for a good spot from which to jump to his death next week.

By: Dan Reidmiller

PITTSBURGH — The Pittsburgh Pirates are out to their best start yet, already having secured 51 of their 53 maximum allowable wins at just the halfway point of the MLB season.

To put it into perspective with regard to the rest of the National League, the Pirates currently have two wins more than the Cardinals, five wins more than the Reds, and 49 wins more than the they themselves are contractually allotted to achieve for the rest of the season.

According to Pirates Manager Clint Hurdle, “All the guys in this ball club are very excited for what’s right around the corner, which is to say barbecues, fishing, and going to see summer blockbuster movies, just as soon as we get these last two wins out of the way.”

Pirates LF Starling Marte agreed, adding, “I’ve been looking forward to seeing that new Superman joint. Once we get these last two Ws and can tank the rest of the season like everyone knows deep down in their hearts that we will, I’m heading straight to Metropolis!”

Reached for comment, Principal Owner of the Pirates Bob Nutting seemed optimistic, saying, “This is definitely a record year for our organization. Not only will we presumably hit our 53-win max at the earliest point in 20 years, but also that would mean that we’re going to inflict on our fans a record level of disappointment as well. We’re talking about heartbreak not seen in Pittsburgh since ‘The Mustachioed Merchant-of-Misery’ Sid Bream himself was run-walking around town.”

Added Nutting, “Two records in one season. It’s exciting.”

Perhaps the lone voice of dissent in the Pirates clubhouse, CF Andrew McCutchen believes it might be worth trying for that 54th win.

Said McCutchen, “I don’t know… I mean, it might be kind of cool to win 54 this year… maybe…. right?”

At press time, it was reported that the PIrates had just traded McCutchen to the Yankees for two future 40th round picks and a Derek Jeter game-worn jock strap.

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