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inhuman resources

By: Dan Reidmiller

Following the U.S. Department of Labor’s recent report that employee productivity fell 3.2 percent in the first quarter of 2014, many companies are looking to overcome such weak proletariat performance by investing in the hiring of more human centipedes.

According to one Fortune 500 company CEO, Jack Gallbiller, “Companies used to have a hierarchical management structure. Then, with the tech boom, the trend became flat management structures. Well, this is the next step. I mean, what’s more synergistic than having three or, in some cases, even four mid-level employees commit to an ass-to-mouth management structure?”

Added the CEO, “Accountability is fostered by cohesion, and human centipedes are perhaps the most cohesive teams the workforce has ever seen, medically speaking.”

“Plus,” the CEO concluded, “just like each three-employee centipede only needs one lunch, I think we can get by with only giving them one paycheck.”

While many of the nation’s largest companies seem to prefer hiring outsourced human centi-teams as-is, smaller companies plan to rely on good, old-fashioned American entrepreneurial ingenuity to achieve the same efficiency.

Says Local Small Business Owner Glenn Grothman, “We can’t afford to bring in talent like those bigger companies. Instead, we’re looking to develop the talent we already have on staff. I think it’s do-able. It just takes a little extra training, a few more weekend team-building retreats, and a couple of strategic investments… like an in-house seamstress and a whole lot of superglue.”

At press time, reports of a growing tension between business communities and the White House surfaced, with employers arguing that if Obamacare forces them to cover centipede surgery for current employees, companies’ profits “will practically eat themselves,” adding, “not to sound tongue-in-cheek.”

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