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By: Dan Reidmiller

WASHINGTON — A recent poll shows that 84% of Americans refuse to place the blame for the sequestration budget cuts on any one politician and instead believe that the collective outrage should be divided equally and directed at all the many Obami who had a hand in the catastrophe.

Local Celery Farmer Randall Stickhouser, for example, says that “to be fair, blame should be assigned not only to President Obama, but also to Speaker of the House Obama, Senator Obama and – even though I know some people might disagree with me here – Bill Clinton’s successor, Former President Obama.”

Echoing Stickhouser’s opinion, Local Shellfish Shucker Jeanine Blinkerdocket says of the sequestration, “It’s not like [President] Obama has total control of the government, so I wouldn’t feel right saying he’s the only one responsible for this mess. I think [Speaker of the House] Obama should’ve accepted [President] Obama’s offer to cut spending by two dollars for every dollar raised in taxes. Seemed like a more-than-fair deal. Then again, it still would have had to pass through the Senate, where I’m sure that dickhead [Senator] Obama would’ve found something wrong with it.”

Still, despite the 84% of Americans who agree on assigning shared blame, 16% of the survey’s participants feel that the proverbial buck should stop at the Oval Office.

Local Barrel Sealer Elizabeth Gogflinkel, for example, supports Representative Obama’s plan to cut all entitlements without raising any taxes.

Says Gogflinkel, “[President] Obama should have listened to [Speaker of the House] Obama and just done away with all these entitlement programs. I get so angry every time I hear about these welfare scammers with their luxury cell phones and such, screwing me out of the money that I work for. It’s because of [President] Obama’s welfare base that I ended up getting my hard-earned maternity leave taken away and losing my tuition assistance, too, all while those ‘takers’ sit back and enjoy their entitlements.”

At press time, sources alleged that President Obama was looking into legally changing his last name to something “that’s less fun to say… if for no other reason than to avoid further confusion.”

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