WASHINGTON — Following Ohio Senator Rob Portman’s announcement late last week that he is, in fact, a republican, Portman’s 21-year-old son William told reporters that he is supportive of his father’s lifestyle.
According to William, “I’m not ashamed to admit that my father has strong republican urges. We had a long talk and he assured me that it’s not a choice he’s made, so much as it’s just in his nature to hate men who love men.”
William, who himself happens to be gay, added, “It’s going to take some getting used to, I suppose, but at the end of the day, he’s my father and I love him very much. I’m not entirely sure how I’m going to rationalize being a member of the LGBT community while, at the same time, defending my father’s arbitrary distaste for human rights, but through a lot of prayer and patience, I think we can make it work.”
While William claims he had never suspected his father of being a republo, or “republican,” as is the preferred terminology, he did mention that he probably should have realized what was going on when, as he recalls, his father “used to bring various oil lobbyists, NRA types and white supremacists over to [William’s] house for holidays and claim they were ‘just really good friends.'”
At press time, police reported that Senator Portman’s body was found slumped over a desk in his congressional office with an apparent self-inflicted gun shot wound to the head and, according to investigators, a note that read, “I’m just too mortified by what I am… can’t go on… I’m sorry William… goodbye world.”