NATIONAL HARBOR, MD — According to sources in attendance at the 2013 Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) last week, GOP leaders slit the throats of 114 locally-raised sacrificial goats on the conference altar, smashing the previous record of 83 goat fatalities set in 1995.
Ann Coulter, who personally sawed the heads off of 58 goats with only her bare hands and a rusty X-Acto knife, said of the record, “The conservative party has fallen on hard times. We needed to step up in all facets this year and make some serious sacrifices. 114 goats is a serious sacrifice.”
Added Coulter, “I’d love to hear the lame-stream media tell me that 114 goats is not a serious fucking sacrifice.”
While Coulter decapitated the most goats of any of the speakers, Opening-day Speaker Sarah Palin had what many experts are calling “the most spectacular goat murder [of the weekend].”
The always-theatrical Palin did not disappoint her many fans in attendance, as she not only gnawed through the screaming goat’s neck muscles with her razor-like teeth, she also cleverly protested the New York City ban on large, sugary soft drinks by then draining the goat-blood from the severed head into a 52-ounce Big Gulp cup and defiantly guzzling the warm, frothy brew to the tune of Def Leppard’s “Pour Some Sugar On Me” before spitting the goat blood in a wild spray across the faces of stunned audience members, sources reported.
“I thought it went very well,” said Palin. “I was a little upset that the pyrotechnic crew wasn’t able to set the 38-foot pentagram ablaze as we had rehearsed, but you know how restrictive those fire regulations are in this liberal nanny-state when it comes to burning oversized satanic paraphernalia in the middle of a crowded convention center. But no, yeah, overall I thought it went very well.”
At press time, Fox News had reported that the convention was an overwhelming success and that they were certain the dark lord was pleased with the sacrificial gifts bestowed upon him, having received confirmation of such directly from Rupert Murdoch himself.
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