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Above: Area Woman Melanie Daft says she was going to prevent the impending sexual assault of her friend Liz – seen here moments before the attacker struck – but instead just kept snapping pictures so that police could identify the perpetrator afterward.

By: Dan Reidmiller

PITTSBURGH — Area Woman Melanie Daft is reportedly still recovering from what she describes as “the greatest fucking St. Patrick’s Day of all tiiii-iiime, bitcheeees!” which, according to sources, consisted mostly of taking and uploading pictures of friends getting hammered to the social media site Facebook.

Says Daft, “It was so crazy. My friends got dressed up in these outrageous green outfits and they were all getting wasted and pissing in alleys and stuff. I had so much fun taking pictures of them having fun!”

Daft continued, saying, “I must have taken like – I want to say a million is too high of a number, but definitely like, dozens – of pictures of my friends having fun.”

Adds Daft, “I still can’t see straight after spending an entire day living life through an iPhone camera screen, but it was definitely worth it. It’s like my favorite saying of all time goes: I live for the moments I’ll never forget with the friends I’ll always have pictures of! Er, wait… how’s it go?”

The highlight of Daft’s St. Patrick’s Day drinking-picture-fest, however, occurred when she snapped a particularly memorable photo later in the day. According to Daft, “At one point, my friend Liz was like ‘Mel, I think I have the beer-shits… I’m gonna go to the bathroom now’ and I was like “I thought I smelled a new Facebook profile picture! Let’s go!'”

While Daft claims that she, too, “totally pounded a ton of drinks,” – which, according to sources, included two confirmed Miller Lites and at least one cup of unidentified “green bullshit” – sources within her Facebook “friends list” claim otherwise.

One such source, who spoke to Reidicule under the condition of anonymity because he “seriously can’t stand that moron” said of Daft, “I feel like she just took 30 or 40 pictures of herself drinking the same one beer at 10am and then spent the rest of the day clogging up Facebook with that garbage. My news feed looked like a flip-book full of green dickheads.”

Daft, however, categorically denies any such claims, saying, “I drank my fair share. But what if I didn’t? I mean, what if I was too busy taking pictures to actually chug beers? Who cares? Haven’t you ever heard the saying ‘A picture of yourself drinking a beer is worth a thousand beers.'”

At press time, sources reported a drastic uptick in the amount of people who “unfriended the shit out of [Daft],” both on Facebook and in real life.

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