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Above: Scientists are still unsure whether this creature urinates from its genital region or its belly button, though many speculate that the guitar is somehow involved in the process.

Above: Scientists are still unsure whether this creature urinates from its genital region or its belly button, though many speculate that the guitar is somehow involved in the process.

By: Dan Reidmiller

PHILADELPHIA — Mayor Michael Nutter recently signed into law a piece of legislation requiring all concert venues within the Greater Philadelphia Area to provide separate restrooms for members of the Trans-Siberian Orchestra, sources report.

According to Anatoly Ulyanov, spokesperson for the musical group, “This is a landmark decision and a truly great day for every single member of the Trans-Siberian Orchestra. No longer will they have to face discrimination from cissiberian musicians. No longer will they be subjected to the awkward discomfort of having to answer questions like ‘What exactly are you; Yenet, Nenet, Hun, Iranian Scythian, Turkic Uyghur or what?’

Added Ulyanov, “From this day forth, we say ‘Nomadic? No matter!'”

At press time, it was reported that the legislation was receiving backlash from a small-but-vocal group of residents who care deeply about how and where the Trans-Siberian Orchestra pisses.

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