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Above: Walter Camp, an early American football player who never wore a helmet, is largely considered a vagina by today's standards.

Above: Walter Camp, an early American football player who never wore a helmet, is often referred to as “The Father of American Concussions” because his son’s generation was the first to experience them regularly upon the advent of the helmet.

By: Dan Reidmiller

NEW YORK — In an effort to cut down on the growing number of concussions suffered by players, the National Football League has announced plans to adopt a new, official helmet design that will feature an 11-inch steel spike mounted to the forehead region, sources report.

League physicians believe that the addition of the oversized, iron-alloy prongs will better protect the individual wearing the helmet from head trauma by providing said player with a defense mechanism whereby he can impale and/or decapitate any opponent attempting to concuss him.

The steel spikes, which manufacturer Riddell is referring to as VladPads™, are expected to be incorporated into the league’s uniform regulations by the start of the 2014 season.

Reached for comment, Commissioner Goodell’s office issued the following statement:

“Given the findings of the extensive research performed by various scientists and neurologists [on our payroll], the NFL believes that these measures should sufficiently decrease the amount of concussions suffered by these young men for whom we care so much. I mean after all, you can’t be concussed if you’re fucking dead. Amiright or amiright?” 

At press time, it was reported that while league officials are “thrilled” with the innovation of the new helmet and “what it could do for [ticket sales of] the game,” they did admit that there is a possibility for a rise — alebeit marginal — in cases of death-by-coked-up-HGH-unicorns who believe their over-protected skulls are invincible, though the league also pointed out that “such tangential topics are not currently trending, so why worry about them?”

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