PITTSBURGH — According to Area Man Gary Mathis, “You know what song I haven’t had playing on an endless, painful loop in my mind in a while? That Nellie Furtado piece of shit about the bird. It’s been years since I’ve had that catchy, God-forsaken tune stuck in my head. You know which one I mean, right? It’s the one that’s like ‘Iiiii’m like a biirrrrr-irrrrd, I’ll only fly awaayyy-ayyyy, Iiiii don’t know where my-‘… ah son of a bitch.”
At press time, it was reported that this article was written solely to piss you off for the next week or two.