CAPE CANAVERAL, FLA — The NASA Program recently announced that their scientists have located three new Earth-like planets, each of which could theoretically support death.
According to NASA’s lead researcher Dr. Hans Von Gunn, “Using our Kepler satellite, we were able to track down a trio of planets not dissimilar to our own. Our hope is that some, if not all, of these planets may be able to support human life and, perhaps more importantly, our overwhelming desire to extinguish it at every chance we get.”
Added Dr. Gunn, “Whether we kill each other with guns and bombs on one of these new planets, or we kill the planets themselves with man-made greenhouse gasses, the combinations of things to kill, ways to kill them, and places to host the killing are endless. We are on the precipice of a new age in our history of killing things, and It’s truly breathtaking.”
At press time, the general consensus throughout the scientific community was that the notion of death on other planets – while enticing – is completely irrelevant given that even if our species survives long enough to make the journey, the NASA Program itself will likely have died out by then.