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Above: A postcard of a typical Florida beach view, complete with the standard random drunk man in every frame.

Above: A postcard of a typical Florida beach, complete with the standard random drunk man obstructing the view in seemingly every direction.

By: Dan Reidmiller

TAMPA, FLA. — While visiting relatives in Central Florida recently, Cleveland Area Man Joshua Reidmiller couldn’t help but ponder aloud, “how cool would it be to just move here?”

“Seriously guys” Reidmiller told his also-inebriated travel companions, “think about it. How awesome would it be to live right by the beach?” he asked, presumably imagining he could afford even the security deposit for an apartment within 25 miles of the beach on the hourly wages he’s earned from digging ditches in his rural Ohio hometown.

“I’d definitely chill at the beach all day, every day,” added Reidmiller, perhaps conflating in his mind the concept of living in Florida with the idea of being an unemployed homeless person completely devoid of life’s responsibilities. “I’d be tan like this all year round for sure.”

“I think I might do it,” Reidmiller concluded. “I just might throw it all in my car, head south, find any ol’ job and settle down right here in paradise,” he decided, likely assuming that jobs – like oranges – grow on trees in the Sunshine State and more than likely neglecting the tripled rates for auto-insurance due to the high volume of elderly, uninsured and/or mentally unstable motorists zipping about the state’s freeways at either astoundingly high or frustratingly low rates of speed.

At press time, it was reported that Reidmiller had sobered up just enough to catch his flight back to Ohio, sadly leaving behind the 24-hour party that is the state of Florida.

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