HOUSTON — 14 people were stabbed yesterday at the Lone Star College Cy-Fair campus when a student ran from building to building attacking people with an X-Acto knife before getting tackled by another student, though at press time, while four victims were in critical condition, the rest were said to be in good condition and two even refused treatment. How does that make you feel?

“See, now if the guy had used a gun, liberals would’ve been up in arms just because all those people would’ve been dead instead of just stabbed… and there would’ve been more victims. Liberal pussies.” Ed Kominsky, Shoelace Salesman