“If We Let Gun Men Carry [Assault Rifles], What’s to Stop Them From Fucking Chickens?”

Above: Toby Keith proudly supports Americans’ right to do anything they want to chickens, as long as it’s in the privacy of their own farms.

CAPITOL HILL — The gun control debate heated up this past week as anti-gun legislators argued that “if we let gun men carry [assault rifles], what’s to stop a gunman from fucking a chicken?”

According to Representative Carolyn Maloney (D-NY), “It’s a slippery slope. I mean sure, right now, members of the ‘Lovers of Guns, Bullets and Ted-nugent-cds’ (LGBT) Community just want us to recognize their right to privately own assault rifles. But, before you know it, I guarantee these LGBT members will be raping innocent farm animals at gunpoint. And I don’t doubt that eventually, they’ll be demanding the right to forcibly penetrate their unarmed livestock in your church. We cannot allow this snowball to start rolling.”

Representative Todd Akin (R-MO) pushed back, however, arguing that, “You think gun owners want to bring their guns to your church? Well even if they do, it’s not a sin. You hypocrites assume a lot, but the fact is that nowhere in the Bible does it explicitly say ‘Jesus did not carry an AR-15 and use it to defend himself by blasting His enemies with extreme prejudice.’ I assure you, you won’t find that sentence anywhere in the Bible.”

Asked if he would defend the 2nd amendment rights of gay people, too, Rep. Akin scoffed, saying “Absolutely not. If Jesus taught us anything, it’s that His followers should turn the other cheek and ignore gay peoples’ rights altogether.”