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By: Dan Reidmiller

TAMPA, FLA. — Local 30-year-old Timothy Dullard, whose relationship reportedly has been on the rocks for the past few months, ended his five-year marriage yesterday after being left with no other option.

According to Dullard, “I wanted to tell her how much I still love her even though we argue a lot and how after five years I still get choked up when the evening sun illuminates her golden skin while she wears that yellow polka-dotted sun dress I bought her for her birthday a few years back, but they don’t make a meme that says that.”

Instead, Dullard says, “I just kind of changed my mind. I was going to try to work it out, you know, for the sake of the kids, but there were no memes or eCards or pre-written chain-posts or movie quotes that said the exact thing I was thinking and feeling, verbatim, so I thought, ‘ah, fuck it.'”

At press time, it was reported that Dullard was surfing the internet, trying to decide how to give his ailing father the great news that he is an exact bone-marrow match for a potentially life-saving operation.

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