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By: Dan Reidmiller

LOS ANGELES — In an attempt to capitalize on his fame as a brawler, World Champion Boxer Chris Brown has announced that he will try his hand at singing.

According to Brown’s agent, Terry Ficklestein, “Chris has had plenty of success at beating the shit out of people, but few fans know that as a youngster, he actually used to sing quite a bit for friends and family.”

Added Fickelstein, “Believe it or not, he isn’t terrible. Plus, as evidenced by his swift footwork in the ring, he can dance as well. That makes him a triple threat – singing, dancing and smashing faces with his fists.”

As a professional fighter, his record is 3-0-1, including three victories by way of strangulation, with only one felony charge.

Perhaps one of Brown’s biggest matches came in 2009 when, in what boxing historians deem the young pugilist’s “best fight ever,” the Super Welterweight dismantled opponent Rob “Rihanna” Fenty in the first round. Although Rihanna did elect to fight “up” in weight class by several pounds, Brown’s camp claims that “it was by no means an easy fight” and that “Rihanna is one tough stick figure.”

The thrill of success was short-lived, however, when, following the Rihanna bout, police detained Brown for allegedly running an illegal, underground dog-fighting ring. Fortunately for Brown, he was able to avoid jail time on a technicality. According to the judge, “I had no choice but to rule this evidence inadmissible due to negligent handling by police.” By “evidence,” the judge was of course referring to the MMA gloves Brown wore while assaulting the malnourished puppies.

Now, though, the 23-year-old bruiser is ready to put both his fight career and his personal troubles on hold while he focuses on his singing career. His new album is expected to be released very soon.

In the meantime, boxing enthusiasts admit that, while the idea of Brown singing and dancing doesn’t really excite them all that much, “it sure was fun to watch him mangle opponents’ facial bones with his knuckles.”

Music critics concur. While many predict that Brown’s album sales won’t be anything significant, the majority of industry-insiders agree that “hopefully, after he gets this album out of his system, he can return to doing what he does best – dominating mother fuckers with his fists of fury and causing massive head trauma to opponents.”

At press time, it was reported that a surprisingly high number of young females across the country had purchased advance-copies of Brown’s album, disproving the theory that women don’t appreciate the “sweet science” known as boxing.

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