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By: Dan Reidmiller

PITTSBURGH — The Pittsburgh Weather Center released its five-decade forecast yesterday with meteorologists calling for continued rain in the City of Bridges over the next half-century along with a 93% chance of indefinite misery.

The gloom, which experts predict will blanket Western Pennsylvania like a “wet, inescapable quilt of depression,” is on par with the area’s historical weather patterns.

According to the Pittsburgh Weather Center, “No records will be broken. Just more of the same, really. Overcast, charcoal skies with a bone chilling wind will create a sense of bleak, post-apocalyptic melancholy not unlike a Cormac McCarthy novel through which the entire populace must suffer collectively.”

Pressed for specifics, sources within the Pittsburgh Weather Center begrudged, “We’re expecting a high of arthritic grief and a low of -3 degrees Fahrenheit. How’s that?”

At press time, when asked why residents don’t just move out of the area, local alcoholic Roy McFlannel responded with a largely incoherent string of noises, of which Reidicule News was able to discern only one word – “Stillers.”

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