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By: Dan Reidmiller

WALL STREET — According to the latest numbers from Wall Street, the DOW Jones Industrial Average has fallen slightly after peaking at around 14,000 last week.

14,000 of what, however, the nation is still not sure.

One theory, posited by local basement waterproofer Dave Schubert, is that the numbers “probably don’t mean dollars, but I don’t know. Maybe points? Like in some kind of rich guy basketball game?”

Echoing Mr. Schubert’s bewilderment, local Home Depot cashier Rebecca Stanholtzer put forth a more creative potential answer to the elusive DOW riddle, wondering aloud, “maybe it’s like the number of times people buy products – like dow rods! Get it? Yeah. Dow rods from Home Depot. Maybe a percentage of each rod sold – probably like six cents on the dollar – is sent to New York where it falls off a conveyor belt and into the stock exchange. From there, well I’m not sure, but I imagine some pretty smart fellas know what to do with that money.”

At press time, Hedge Fund Manager and 35th Richest American Steve Cohen, who, while worth $8.8 billion, is currently under investigation by the SEC for unethical practices, confirmed both of the above theories, saying, “Yes. Yes, that’s it exactly.”

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