(Omaha, NE) — According to a recent study, men ages 18-22 who exercise less than five hours per week and watch excessive television have a 73%-lower sperm count than those who watch little or no TV.
Researchers admit, however, that the study fails to account for the fact that most young men who watch excessive TV and sign up to exchange semen for cash typically masturbate more frequently in general than do their counterparts, thereby leaving “less in the tank” at any given time.
Lead Scientist Dr. Pierre Jacquert of France postulated that the study’s participants “probably masturbated three, four, maybe seven times prior to making their way to the test facility that day.”
“Some of these young men were already looking rather pale and drowsy when they walked in” Dr. Jacquert noted. “They were a pretty dehydrated, sad-looking bunch of kids.”
“Looking at them,” Dr. Jacquert concluded, “well, it’s difficult to remain optimistic about the future of our civilization.”
At press time, the research group planned to investigate a related hypothesis that men who spend large portions of their day in isolation surfing the internet tend to delete their browser history more frequently than do men who have girlfriends.