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By: Dan Reidmiller

CINCINNATI — At a press conference held yesterday, Procter and Gamble’s subsidiary Tampax announced plans to release a new line of “gender neutral” tampons.

The announcement comes on the heels of Hasbro Inc.’s decision earlier this week to produce a version of their classic “Easy Bake Oven” toy to be marketed to both girls and boys alike.

According to Tampax Spokes-non-sexualized-being Pat Peginis, “The whole Easy Bake Oven thing really opened our eyes – or should I say, closed our eyes – to the possibilities. If we refuse to gender-identify our target market, we could potentially double our sales by ‘bringing boys into the fold,’ so to speak.”

Following the lead of Hasboro’s Easy Bake Oven, Tampax says they too plan to change the color scheme on their packaging.

As Peginis put it, “We were thinking about going with a darker shade of blue and maybe adding some black accents as well. We believe this will make men feel much more comfortable when shoving the tampons… well, wherever they plan to shove them.”

Added Peginis, “We are also definitely going to add some barbwire, and possibly an animal of some kind. Maybe a vicious looking wolf or just a straight up, badass American Bald Eagle. Maybe both. I mean, why not? After all, our tampons are now totally for men, too.”

At press time, a Tampax research team was spotted at a local zoo, fueling rumors that the company is looking to branch out even further by going after the coveted “sea turtle” demographic.

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