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By: Dan Reidmiller

WASHINGTON — In a prepared statement, the Neonatal Responsibility Association (NRA) announced their official stance on the highly contested birth control debate.

According to the statement, the NRA argues “Any attempt to infringe on a woman’s right to bear arms – or legs or little teeny tiny torsos or any other fetal parts – in her womb is unconstitutional. Whether it’s the government, the woman’s partner or the woman herself, birth control is just not the American way.”

Reached for comment, NRA Executive Vice President Dwayne Va Gienerre claimed that the only way to prevent life from happening is to “fight semen with semen.”

As Va Gienerre puts it, “It’s really quite simple. The only one who can stop a bad guy with a penis is a good guy with a penis.”

“What we need to do is set up a sentinel guard outside of each American woman’s vagina,” Va Gienerre explained. “We could use retired porn stars in the sentry detail, for example, because they’re highly trained and very experienced in the use of their penises.”

Added Va Gienerre, “Or, at the very least, we should station these well-hung guards inside public high schools and let them roam the halls. The mere sight of these intimidating, impressivly-endowed naked men should curb teen pregnancy considerably.”

“Worst case scenario,” Va Gienerre allowed, “they may have to get into a sword fight, but why not create a scenario where the man with the bigger penis wins? Sure, there will be some collateral facials when the semen is a-flyin’, but that’s just the society in which we live.”

“When you think about it,” concluded Va Gienerre, “that’s how America was founded. As we all know, our founding fathers used to carry their own huge penises everywhere they went. Granted, that was a completely different time – one in which a man had to court a woman for probably a year before he could even see her ankles – but the idea is still the same.”

At press time, Va Gienerre admitted that he has very little understanding of either the female gestational process, the public school system or the psychological implications associated with scaring the shit out of teenagers on a daily basis, but that he is “quite the expert” when it comes to penises, having logged “hundreds of thousands or maybe even millions of ‘hands-on’ hours practicing with [his] own.”

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