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By: Dan Reidmiller

PITTSBURGH — In the aftermath of a $28 Billion deal that saw multinational conglomerate holding company Berkshire Hathaway purchase the global ketchup giant Heinz, Berkshire CEO and Third Richest Man in the World Warren Buffett admitted “I just wanted some ketchup.”

According to Buffett, whose fortune is today worth approximately $44 Billion, “I was eating a hamburger and I says to George – my waiter – I says ‘Hey, George, can I get some ketchup?”

Unfortunately for top officials within the H.J. Heinz Company, ‘George the Waiter’ was actually 3G Capital Owner and 37th Richest Man in the World Jorge Paulo Lemann.

Sources close to Buffett claim it was an honest mistake and that “these things happen when you own most of the planet.”

During a press conference held earlier this week, Lemann denied rumors that 3G Capital plans to replace the ‘Red-Zone Ketchup Pour’ at Heinz Field with a “Red-Zone Digitalized $100 Bill Pour” to represent more accurately the new Heinz Co.

At press time, hostage negotiators were attempting to talk PepsiCo CEO Indra Nooyi down off a 34th-floor ledge at the company’s HQ building amid allegations that Mr. Buffett “could really go for a Pepsi.”

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