WASHINGTON — In a surprise move late last night, President Obama declared “Prima Nocte,” invoking the controversial 16th century feudal statute that allowed noblemen to “call dibs” on any newlywed bride during her first night of marriage.
According to the decree, local politicians – such as mayors and councilmen – reserve the right to procreate with other men’s new brides “freely and without consequence,” provided those young ladies are within their political constituency.
The “Prima Nocte” declaration, perhaps best known for its antagonistic role in the 1995 film Braveheart, instantly received a mixed reaction from the nation.
On one hand, the general populace is contesting the Presidential order with a palpable animosity by staging protests, rioting and publicly burning effigies. On the other hand, local officials across the country are “SO hard right now… *ahem*…legislatively speaking.”
In an official statement, however, the Board Of Neighborhood-Elected Representatives – or BONER – chose to downplay their excitement and “tuck” their elation for now, saying of the edict, “why don’t we all just sort of wait and see how this whole ‘Prima Nocte’ thing pans out?”
What led to President Obama issuing the national ordinance is not yet known.
However, sources close to Obama have denied allegations that the President was “hammered from like six or seven Irish car bombs” when he set forth the proclamation.
Reached for comment, newly-appointed Secretary of State John Kerry also denied rumors that he received a text message from Obama at approximately 3 a.m., the contents of which allegedly read, “Wait til u hear this. Ppl gunna freak out. LOL.”
According to White House Spokesman Jay Carney, “The President is only trying to strengthen the union between the local, state and federal governments. It was determined that the best way to do that was to offer a political gift of sorts, allowing mayors and councilmen across the land a chance to fornicate with young brides in their respective townships or boroughs. I assure you, the President was not drinking alcohol when he issued Prima Nocte.”
Despite the White House’s official statement that the President was not physically intoxicated when giving the directive, Carney declined comment when asked if the President was “inebriated with power.”
At press time, the White House wished to add that “It’s really not that bad of a law. It’s not like anyone’s going to be killed. Just raped. I mean, the way everyone is reacting, you would think we had declared the government’s right to target and bomb anyone in the country at any time without any restrictions or legislative process involved whatsoever.”