(New York) — Star National Furry League linebarker Ruff Chewis of the Barktimore Roberts pawball team is currently on the run from authorities amid allegations of doggy doping following a failed drug test.
The results of the test, which surfaced late last night, point to abnormally high levels of the banned substance known as “sucrose” in Mr. Chewis’s system.
According to League Veterinarian Leonard Bigley, “Such high levels of sucrose – more commonly known as “sugar” on the streets – are consistent with the use and/or abuse of Cheetos, cheese balls, or possibly even Doritos.”
Bigley added, “To be clear, had we only found trace amounts of the drug, we reasonably could’ve concluded that the test subject had simply been licking cheese dust from an owner’s finger. But the fact is, you don’t show such high levels without naughtily getting into an open bag or, at the very least, being intentionally fed every other chip out of the bag, systematically over an extended period of time.”
Officials became suspicious of Chewis during Sunday’s Puppy Bowl IX when the Barktimore star appeared belligerent and was reportedly “barking at opponents during pre-game warmups.'”
In a prepared statement, the Chewis family denied any allegations of Ruff’s wrongdoing, saying “He’s a good dog. Really, he is. It’s not like he’s holed up in a garbage pile downtown, licking chocolate off a stray’s teet. He’s not that type of dog.”
The search for Mr. Chewis is expected to continue throughout today and into tonight if necessary, with authorities driving repeatedly around the same block, windows down, loudly calling “Here Ruffy. Heeeere Ruffy. Who wants a bacon treat?”
At press time, it was reported that a startlingly high percentage of the nation’s “grown-ass man” demographic holds a disturbingly strong emotional investment in the outcome of this story.