(New Orleans) — Critics of superstar singer Beyonce are happy to report that they are no longer critical of her for the lip-synched performance she gave at the Presidential Inauguration several weeks ago.
“Instead,” critics say, “we are now scared completely shitless of her.”
According to the critics, their abrupt change of heart was spurred by last night’s Super Bowl halftime performance.
Reportedly, the horror began at approximately 8:30pm (ET) when the singer suffered a literal demonic possession.
Sources in the on-field halftime show crowd describe the scene as “disturbing” and “whatever the opposite of life-affirming is.”
One spectator, who wished to remain anonymous “for obvious reasons,” said of Beyonce’s satanic crooning, “It was scary. One minute, she was angry. The next minute, she was really angry. Then, all of a sudden, she was smiling… angrily.”
“It was like watching The Exorcist,” said the source, “but less entertaining.”
Reached for comment, Bud Light’s parent company Anheuser-Busch denied allegations that their voodoo-themed commercials had anything to do with Beyonce’s “poltergeist-like facial expressions” or her “rabid, choleric banshee-shrieking.”
At press time, Superdome officials were uncertain whether the malignant spirit that wore Beyonce’s body had anything to do with the building’s temporary, third-quarter loss of electricity.
At least I wasn’t the only one who thought she was stealing my soul through the tv…
Karissa, you are not alone. Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal called the performance “The single scariest thing to hit the Superdome. Ever.”