(Pittsburgh, PA) — Local McDonald’s “Fryolator” Operator Terrance Yerkovski, in an effort to avoid losing his job, has been filibustering his manager for the past 72 straight hours.
The filibuster, in which the 22-year-old Yerkovski is currently barricaded in the employee restroom while reading the entire Allegheny County phone book aloud, cover to cover, has already surpassed the previous filibuster record set by Former U.S. Senator and Segregationalist Strom Thurmond of South Carolina.
Thurmond’s filibuster notoriously attempted but failed to block the Civil Rights Act of 1957 in which African Americans were ultimately given the right to vote.
According to Yerkovski, “This is a lot like that. Well, except like, I know without a doubt that one day I’ll be on the right side of history. YOLO!”
Asked why he originally intended to fire Yerkovski, Manager Larry Kerboda explained, “He shit in the deep-fryer.”
Kerboda, who likens his managerial position at McDonald’s to “getting molested by an eight-dicked walrus, day in and day out, without reprieve” says of Yerkovski, “He’s a real bastard, you know? I was about to cut this troublemaker loose, but then he just started reading the phone book and I couldn’t get a word in edgewise.”
At last check, Yerkovski had just started in on the R’s, not fully realizing that simply stating intent to filibuster is by current congressional precedent, sufficient enough to block the process.
At press time, Kerboda admitted that Yerkovski was still legally entitled to receive his next paycheck, including the hours spent filibustering, since he is in fact still clocked in.