(San Diego, CA) — Riddell Inc., the official helmet company of the NFL, has filed suit against Junior Seau’s corpse.
Riddell, which was initially sued by Seau’s relatives for being “negligent in their design, testing, assembly, manufacture, marketing and engineering of their helmets,” is countersuing the lifeless body of Junior Seau for “posthumous libel” and “negligence in his application and operation of the helmet.”
According to Riddell CEO Ssttevvenn Jjohhnnssonn, “Our helmets are designed to withstand and temporarily curb the effects of traumatic collisions and prevent the skull from fracturing. It is not, however, an impenetrable fucking force-field from Magic: The Gathering that allows you to spear other human beings head-first, again and again over the course of a 19-year NFL career.”
In a show of support for Riddell, NRA Vice President Wayne LaPierre also released a statement today, saying, “Helmets don’t cause brain defects. Brain defects causes brain defects.”
At press time, Riddell Inc. wished to add, “Also, our condolences to the Seau family during this difficult time.”