(Washington, D.C.) — As President Obama was sworn into office today at the Inauguration Ceremony, republican thought-leaders held a roundtable debate across the street from the U.S. Capitol building at Randy’s Rib Shack to discuss what they hope to see from the President’s second term.
Right-wing political columnist and negative-caucasian-stereotype-perpetuator George Will laid out one possible course of action for Obama’s next four years, saying, “He really needs to show more of a willingness to compromise in his second term. Many republicans have openly expressed that their sole motivation is to make sure Obama accomplishes absolutely nothing while in office, and I think Obama needs to get on board with that.”
According to several sources among the regular Rib Shack patrons, Mr. Will was seen eating his plate of ribs with a fork and knife “like a real dickhead.”
Disagreeing with Mr. Will for the sake of disagreeing, republican radio personality Rush Limbaugh offered a contrasting view, saying “Ockaw kawr agawr eck kacko ack agh ike!”
Mr. Limbaugh then swallowed the overflowing mouthful of half-chewed rib meat and pig gristle.
Reiterating, Limbaugh angrily pointed out, “Obama’s black. I think he should be white.”
Also in attendance, Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) admitted that he was a little upset at not being invited to the President’s inauguration.
According to Boehner, “I guess I just sort of feel… left out. Granted, I got an invitation in the mail, but it’s not enough. I want the president to want me to be there. You know?”
Boehner then blamed the tears in his eyes on the onions he had been eating, despite numerous eye-witness accounts alleging that he did not order any onions with his food.
At press time, the entire republican lunch party was seen screaming at their waiter, belittling him in an attempt to convince said minimum-wage employee that the check was Obama’s to pay.