(North Hills, PA) — PepsiCo’s latest move to appease concerned consumers backfired in a big way this past weekend.
PepsiCo, which owns Gatorade, made the call late last week to remove BVO – the active ingredient in flame retardant – from the sports drink’s formula.
The decision was made in response to a petition from concerned consumers who apparently dislike guzzling random industrial chemicals, but only when they’re aware they’re doing so. Otherwise, they “love that shit.”
In a strange and cruel twist of fate following the ingredient’s removal, tragedy struck a number of small towns across Western Pennsylvania as several high school basketball players drank the new version of Gatorade and then spontaneously combusted while attempting to “go HAM” on the court.
According to sources within the FDA, “Apparently, the flame retardant was the only thing keeping these young champions from overheating to the point of combustion during games.”
In a statement, the boldly flavored PepsiCo rubbed the tragedy in activists’ faces, claiming, “It appears we knew what we were doing after all” and for good measure adding, “the next time Gatorade asks ‘is it in you,’ you better hope that it is.”
Reportedly, there was at least one silver lining moment amidst all the horrific loss of youthful humanity when star North Hills High School power forward Clayton Pratt threw down a 360 tomahawk dunk while his hand – and therefore, the ball – were ablaze.
Fans allege “it was just like NBA Jam on Sega!”
“Also,” fans add, “our condolences to young Clayton Pratt’s family for their loss.”
At press time, a source within PepsiCo philosophized “perhaps we could addend the old adage to say ‘if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it… or you will be struck down with demonic hell-fire from within.'”
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