Above: Founding Scout Master Freddy “Flip” Antouchyerson
(Irving, TX) — In a surprise move earlier this week, the Boy Scouts of America announced plans not only to accept homosexual troop leaders, but furthermore to ban heterosexuals from all leadership positions.
In a statement released this morning, BSA Spokes-scout Scruff McDougal said of the policy change, “It was a difficult decision indeed. Just because the Pentagon and other leaders of the U.S. Armed Forces decided to let ‘the gays’ do battle on the front lines of horrific and deadly warfare against some of the most vicious warriors and savage, dogmatic killers in the worst, most unforgiving hell-scapes this planet has to offer, well, that doesn’t mean they’re ready to be scouts. As you can imagine, we really had to think this through. At the end of the day, though, we decided we’d let them try.”
Pressed for an explanation about the new ban on straight leaders, McDougal admitted, “Well, apparently we had been confusing the word ‘homosexual’ with the word ‘pedophile.’ When I realized the mistake, I personally un-stitched my own Linguistics Badge. It was the honorable thing to do.”
McDougal continued, saying, “It turns out, openly gay men are less likely to ‘diddle kiddies’ than are closeted, seemingly straight men who actually harbor strong yet suppressed sexually predatory urges.”
“Go figure” he added, without so much as a hint of irony.
Following their statement to the press, BSA officials were confounded, albeit delighted, to learn that a recent national poll revealed that despite the group’s admittance of homosexuals making the Boy Scouts technically gayer, a majority of Americans believe the Boy Scouts are now somehow less derogatorily “gay.”
At press time, the BSA’s partner organization the Cub Scouts of America were expected to change one of their own long-standing policies regarding the pronunciation of the rank known as ‘WEBELO.’
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