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By: Dan Reidmiller

WICHITA, KAN — Following the recent death of his family’s beloved Golden Retriever “Champ,” Area Dad Russell Kerndike consoled his 12-year-old son Gary by explaining that, “Well, sometimes Kanye West works in mysterious ways.”

“You see, Gar, sometimes He puts out a great album” continued the elder Kerndike, placing a knowing hand on his tearful son’s shoulder while elaborating on the true nature of the hip-hop mogul and self-proclaimed god. “And other times, out of nowhere, He breaks into your house and slits your dog’s throat.”

Kerndike then concluded his attempt to help his son find solace in Kanye’s vengeful omnipotence, noting, “It’s all part of His greater plan for us. There’s really no way for you or I to understand the infinite wisdom of Kanye, or why one minute, He might name his only begotten daughter ‘North West’ and the next minute, He might strike down a paparazzo for taking a picture in that general direction. We just need to have faith in His reasons and trust that He’s not a clinically insane, detached-from-reality superstar who believes the very press clippings that He Himself purports to abhor.”

At press time, it was reported that the U.N. was still awaiting word on when the Almighty Kanye would cease to impose His on-again, off-again famine and drought conditions that perpetually devastate the majority of third-world nations and plague millions of desperate, suffering “Ye” fans in Central and North Africa.

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