Despite Death Threats, Area HS Student Perplexingly Continues to Choose to Be Gay

Above: Rick Santorum attempts to “slap the gay out of” a local high school student.

LARAMIE, WYO. — In a bizarre turn of events, it was reported yesterday that area high school student Matthew Lambert – despite being mocked, ridiculed, hazed, tormented, shoved into lockers, physically assaulted and threatened with death on a daily basis – for some reason continues to choose to be gay.

School officials are perplexed at Lambert’s decision to continue finding men attractive, especially in such a hostile, anti-gay area. Lambert’s boyfriend, for example, was abducted by a group of area residents, bound, gagged, and dragged behind a pickup truck through a field where he was hung to death just last week.

According to Lambert’s principal, Millard Laney, “Yeah, we’re a pretty conservative, Christian area.”

Added Laney, “Why [Lambert] would continue to be sexually and emotionally aroused by other young men, well that’s beyond me. I mean, the locals even have a pool going and are betting on when he’ll finally get picked off for choosing to prefer men over women, so why won’t he just stop liking men on a physiological level?”

Laney then concluded, “It just makes no sense for him to continue purposely subjecting himself to all of this. Then again, I don’t understand what the big deal is with this ‘Facebook’ fad either, so maybe it’s just a Gen Y thing.”

In related news, a classmate of Lambert’s – who asked to remain anonymous due to overwhelming shame and embarrassment – is dealing with a similarly difficult situation in that he was born without legs. Said the classmate, “I have no legs, so I can’t get on my knees to pray. I understand the bullying that comes with being confined to a wheelchair, but it just sucks knowing that I’m going to hell for my choice to be born without legs. Anyway, I’ve been seeing a psychiatrist and regularly attending confession at my church, so hopefully that will at least help sway God’s view of me.”