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By: Dan Reidmiller

NEW YORK — At a press conference held incredibly late last night and into this morning, VH1 Spokesjockey Dave Holmes revealed that a 2003 fire at the network’s headquarters had “destroyed every last piece of video footage we had at the time, except for the Behind the Music: ‘Toni Braxton’ VHS tape.”

Adds Holmes, “Thank God, right? I mean, of all the network’s material that those brave firefighters could’ve saved, it seems almost ominous that they grabbed our single most treasured piece of work.”

Holmes admits, however, that the network “is still working to rebuild its catalogue from the foundation of that lone tape.”

According to Holmes, “We’ve actually just been running the Toni Braxton thing on a non-stop loop for the past 10 years. It’s really a miracle that no one has noticed.”

While Holmes admits that the rebuilding process is at times “a real struggle,” he’s quick to point out that it will be well worth it.

Says Holmes, “We’re committed to seeing [the rebuilding process] through and getting back to the status of beloved, powerhouse network that our fans remember us as. We’re confident that our content will once again be the most cutting-edge music entertainment available, second to none, just as it was in the 90’s.”

Holmes concludes, “We’re only a few years away from really hitting our stride and ‘getting jiggy with it’ as the teens like to say.”

At press time, TV Guide had listed the upcoming lineup of VH1 programming as “Now alternating between the Toni Braxton Special, Mob Wives, and The 1,000,000 Greatest Songs of the ’90s, co-hosted by 17 of the nation’s best failed comedians.

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