WASHINGTON — Controversy is swirling this morning following reports that yesterday, at approximately 4:15 p.m. (Eastern), First Lady Michelle Obama assisted a senior citizen in crossing Pennsylvania Avenue.
According to sources, 86-year-old Eleanor Fitzhenry was trying to cross the busy intersection during rush hour when, out of nowhere, Michelle Obama reportedly grabbed Eleanor’s arm and walked her safely across the street.
Following the incident, outraged patriots across the nation expressed their concern over the perceived statement.
Local Stamp Collector Hannah Gullstone, for example, argues that this is “just another attempt by Michelle to tell us what to do. First she’s like “Don’t poison our children with ridiculous amounts of salt in their school lunches.’ Now she’s all ‘Don’t let these old people shuffle out into traffic.’ Well, I’ve got news for her: if our grandparents want to roam dangerous intersections unbothered, then that’s their constitutional right.”
Gullstone admitted that her own grandfather is senile and has unpredictable, overwhelming bouts of dementia, but maintains that “pop-pop is an American citizen and a United States veteran. He spilled blood for this nation and he will wander aimlessly on foot across interstate highways like a game of Frogger while 18-wheelers narrowly miss his frail, arthritic body if he wants to because, last time I checked, this is America, not Soviet Russia.”
Concurring with Gullstone, Local Tea Kettle Engraver Franklin Calipsey asked, “Who is Michelle to try to help others walk when she, herself, literally spent years of her life not even knowing how to walk? I saw the home-video footage in a documentary once. She was just toddling around her parents’ living room like a little hypocrite.”
At press time, it was reported that the Tea Party had just organized an impromptu sit-in protest across all 12 lanes of the I-495 Beltway.