(Washington, D.C.) — In what’s being hailed as an incredible, last minute victory for lawmakers, Congressional leaders from both sides of the aisle found common ground.
Democrats and Republicans alike managed to pass legislation ensuring they will not have to do so much work in the future.
The bill reserves the right of any congressional member (and select other federal employees) to take as much vacation time as they wish, “…even when taxpayers’ deepest personal, financial fears are at stake.”
According to Democratic Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NEV), “We’ve been through alot these past few weeks with this whole ‘Fiscal Cliff’ thing. From being forced to come back to work early, to being forced to do actual work… as you can imagine, it has been a nightmare.”
At a Republican-held press conference this morning, Senate Minority Leader and Professional Harry Reid Look-Alike Mitch McConnell (R-KY) agreed, pointing out “I know we get a lot of time off from work and that the work itself isn’t really all that difficult… and that we get paid an exorbitant amount of money for the work… and… I forget where I was going with this…”
It was at this point that Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) quickly grabbed the microphone from McConnell and began to explain:
“I think what my esteemed colleague is trying to say is that, while members of congress do get a lot of vacation, we look forward to Christmas vacation the most.”
Boehner, thinking about the sanctity of his favorite vacation of the year, became overwhelmed with sincere emotion.
“It’s just… [wiping tears] it’s different when it comes to Christmas break. [Sniffling] We all drew smiley faces and exclamation points on our desk calendars from December 20 through January 10. [Inaudible whimpering] But on the evening after Christmas, at around 6pm, none of us could stop thinking about how we had to come back to work the next day. It’s as though the nation has forgotten the true meaning of Christmas vacation.”
Boehner’s tears then turned from the sad kind to the happy kind as he pointed out all the good this latest legislation will accomplish.
“Now, no matter what’s going on at work, we don’t have to think about it when we’re on vacation” he said. “We can stay up late to watch The Daily Show and Colbert Report, and we can really enjoy our vacations the way the founding fathers envisioned.”
In a separate statement, White House Press Secretary Jay Carney made clear the President’s stance on this legislation:
“The President is extremely glad the bill passed. With this new legislation, he won’t have to leave Hawaii early the next time he’s on vacation to fly back to D.C. It’s a big relief because, as everyone knows, four days in Hawaii is nowhere near enough. You always want to book at LEAST a full week. Otherwise, it almost doesn’t even seem worth it.”
Carney added, “Seriously, it’s like a nine hour flight and by the time you get to your room and get your bags unpacked, it seems like it’s time to go home again.”
To get a fuller picture of this story, we took to the streets and interviewed local Denny’s waitress Edna Exhaustedfromwork (Uninformed – PA).
According to Edna, “Thank God! I’m relieved they got this deal done. I don’t have much time to follow politics so I’m not sure what the Fiscal Cliff is exactly and I’ve never heard of the ‘Sanctity of Vacation’ Bill, but I’m glad Congress was able to come together on something.”
She added, “I’ve had to work on Christmas Day for the past five years in order to pay my own ‘bills,’ so I know how difficult those things can be. Good for Congress!”
Unfortunately, Edna had to conclude the interview at that point, saying “I’m sorry, I have to get back to work now. My 15 minute break is almost over and if I clock back in even one minute late, my manager will write me up and I could get fired.”
At press time, in a somewhat strange turn of events, Senator McConnell randomly reached out to us at Reidicule News.
According to Sen. McConnell “… Oh, I almost forgot. There are also the somehow-still-legal gifts from lobbyists, private jet trips, steak dinners, NFL tickets…”
Reidicule News was going to print a picture of McConnell and Reid working together and place it here at the end of this article, but officials are still uncertain as to which man is which.